On Assessing Our Expectations of Ourselves and Others

(This was originally published in the summer of 2023).

I have been a bit hectic around here. I was in and out the last two weeks at Outer Banks and CO. It was fun, and I am also a bit tired, so I thought this email would be relevant for both of us.

Before going to the Outer Banks, I felt pressure to complete some workouts. Five a week would be doable, along with a yoga class and a hiking/walking day with our dog.

If you're doing the math, I didn't have a day off.

*Cue diet culture*

So I re-evaluated, and instead of scheduling my workouts a month out, I am going week by week this season.

My husband and I hiked 10 miles one day in Colorado. I was thankful we had poles and hydrated a lot, as we're not used to the altitude, even though, yes, we both work out regularly.

Then, I remembered one of the first times I went to Colorado as a kid, maybe at 13 years old. We were mountain biking with the day camp my parents had put me in with my cousins. At the time, I had just ended my dance career and would rollerblade all the time, probably 2-4 times per week, so my cardio was proficient.


I struggled hard.

Why?

Because I lived at sea level and mountain biked at 9,000 feet, Laura. I got rocked.

I felt defeated, of course. How could I not have the stamina for this?

Luckily, the counselor came back to help me, and when they found out I lived in Florida, they were caring and empathetic about it.

Similarly, returning to a routine after being off for a week can be challenging.

We landed in Cleveland last Sunday and immediately connected with friends in town. It was exciting, but my body also said, "You're going to have to slow down here soon if you want to keep going."

I did a light workout Friday morning, and my body yelled, "K, I'm done."

Why am I telling you this?

Because even though I move regularly, my body gets fatigued and needs rest just like anyone else's.

My clients have been going through some transitions this past week, so their workouts look slightly different and scaled back.

Because I look at my clients as whole humans and not robots executing a program exactly as I wrote it, they know that checking in before their movement practice is essential for them to say maybe, "I am feeling a bit X today, so I'll do my warmup and a few fewer reps and see how I feel."

Or "I am feeling energized and ready today. I can walk this morning and do weight training later."

When they come to me and say, "I had to scale back this week because of X," or "I wasn't feeling it," I respond with, "I am so glad you listened to your body's biofeedback and did what felt right for you."

I don't say: "Well, you're throwing off your program," or "You know you could have done better."

This invokes shame and guilt, which in turn promotes distrust.

If someone knows they will be judged, they won't share or be honest. The space is no longer safe.

I have certain folks I don't share things with because they're going to center themselves or be unable to be neutral. They have to insert their opinion, which makes me feel small for even sharing, so I choose not to say anything.

I don't want that for my clients. I don't want someone coming to me with their tail between their legs because they think I will think less of them. It's not the case at all.

We're often taught to "power through" in life, and we don't always realize that not everyone is exactly like us. People have different experiences, stories, physical ailments, etc.

Do all non-disabled bodies work the same from a fundamental mechanical standpoint? Essentially, yes...but then trauma, stress, and everything else that goes on physically and in the nervous system set the stage for how someone shows up.

On the surface, I look like the traditional, white, thin, non-disabled coach, and that is a privilege because, unfortunately, larger-bodied (and ethnic) coaches are pre-judged solely based on how they look, which is wrong and misinformed. Our bodies are not our business cards, and some fabulous coaches don't comply with "traditional" beauty standards.

Underneath, I live with minor knee inflammation (that will always be there) and neck pain stemming from a low tongue placement that I am finally getting therapy for so that I hopefully stop grinding. I am always working on my relationship with my body, which has changed in the past few years.

Business-wise, I am still determined to get back to my 2017 salary, find balance with my year-long educational course and marketing/client work, and continue to find anti-diet culture partners so that I can refer out to ethical practitioners when needed.

I would love to know if there are places you are giving yourself grace at this time or if this is making you think about how you respond when someone shares something and you tend to judge or comment on it quickly. I work on this, too, and we do it with the people we are closest with!