Why Being Judgemental About Other People's Behaviors Isn't Helpful
I’ll be the first to admit that I was pretty elitist when I started my business.
I couldn’t figure out why people didn’t understand that they just needed to eat healthier and move their bodies to feel better.
I had been doing this for years. Why couldn't other people "get it?"
In 2019, I had a client who has a child that is severely disabled. Nothing about their lives is conventional.
They have a hard time finding help, their chronic stress level is very high and they can’t just do things when they want to.
It started me down the path of "we don't all have the same 24 hours in a day."
Then 2020 happened and it was a wake-up call to me that we are NOT all the same. We don’t have the same access, resources, privilege, etc.
As I watched people lose their jobs and the costs of housing, food and everything else go up while people had to stay the course for survival, even though their situation wasn’t getting any better, I saw the desperation and it became obvious to me what was happening and how I had contributed to the harmful narrative.
I then realized that my role as a coach was NEVER for someone to be 100% compliant with me. That was going to come from a place of shame.
They were never going to feel safe with me and were going feel like they couldn't be honest about missing a workout because they were feeling "blah" or that they felt guilty for having pizza on the weekend.
I needed to ensure that people could feel vulnerable with me and not feel judged for doing what most coaches would call “falling off the wagon” or any of the other diet culture terms. That they are humans and are going to ebb and flow in life.
As someone who used to obsess about everything I put into my body & getting my workouts in no matter what, I knew that I could not pass those harmful behaviors on to others.
I still catch my inner critic sometimes when I see people's grocery carts or their form at the gym.
"Why can't they eat more whole foods" or "Why don't they get how to do that exercise properly?"
I then have to stop and remind myself, I know nothing about these people.
Do I know folks who I only see engaging in one fitness modality:
That this person isn't strength training privately at home
That they're not overcoming an injury
That they don't feel self-conscious on the gym floor. (This was me for years).
That they only have a short period of time and prefer cardio, etc.
Do I know if folks in larger or smaller bodies:
Have good blood pressure and resting heart rate?
That they do aim to eat mostly nourishing foods and exercise
That they're not dealing with trauma, stress, or a diagnosis.
That they have dieted on and off for years and their body is trying to find safety
Do I know if someone is eating less nutritious food:
This person's work schedule and if they have time to cook
Their relationship to food
Their home life re: budget, kids, parenting, schedule, etc.
Their upbringing and which foods they find comfort in and/or if they grew up with food scarcity, etc.
So I ask, before you think that everyone is “just like you” or has your knowledge, time, money, education, housing, etc. be VERY mindful that it’s most likely not the case.
Get curious about why people are the way there are and the decisions they make because it’s not always in their full control. We have some pretty unfair systems in place that keep many people in the same place.
“There comes a point where we need to stop just pulling people out of the river. We need to go upstream and find out why they are falling in.” -Desmond Tutu
Yes, this can be an uncomfortable conversation with yourself, but it's an important one if we're aiming to grow and be genuinely kinder individuals.
As someone who has worked with people's bodies for 6 years, I can tell you the person someone comes down hardest on is themselves. There's a lot of shame around health and body image and I refuse to contribute to that narrative anymore.
Compassion > Creating Hierarchies
"Be curious, not judgemental."
-Ted Lasso (& Walt Witman)