On Mothers and Mental Health
(Content warning-I do speak briefly about miscarriage in this email as well as mental health, including grief from suicide loss).
(Originally written in April, 2023)
This time 6 years ago, I had just dropped the safety net of my full-time job and had just flown to Chicago to surprise one of my friends at her baby shower. She had finally reached her third trimester after a couple of years of trying, including some losses.
But I want to jump back to before that.
From the spring of 2016 through mid-October, I was knee-deep in chairing the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention walk in Cleveland. I had an awesome co-chair in my friend Julie, whom I had met through the organization locally.
We spent weekends at events such as Pride, any arts festival, etc. tabling about the walk and telling people it was a free place to come and feel supported.
Part of my job was to make sure that our volunteers had gone through training because people would walk up to us and start spilling their stories without warning or we had people that would come up and say really off-color things. This could be detrimental if one of the volunteers also lived with a mental health diagnosis as it may activate their emotional response and it could also be jarring for those of us who had sustained a loss. Little did I know I was being taught to hold space for people's emotions prior to becoming trauma-informed.
This was my 4th season with the organization, but it was the most responsibility I had ever taken on. While I learned a lot, it also burned me out and I knew it was my last walk.
I also knew that I couldn't keep showing up for a corporate marketing job and supporting people who didn't care. A place that expected me to bend over backward because I was paid to, but at the end of the day, there wasn't actually care about my well-being or the effort I was putting in daily.
But when I stood in front of over 700 people and emceed the walk that October, I had 700 pairs of eyes staring back at me, thankful that they had a place to share in their grief and hope. Some were family members mourning, some were living with a diagnosis and some were there to support friends and loved ones.
It may sound like it was a very solemn event, but in actuality, it was uplifting. We scored the Cavs trophy through my friend Stephanie and people got to get their photos taken. I purposely made the line along the vendors so they were guaranteed interaction. My Dad gave an awesome speech about my brother. We had amazing weather for October and we raised $90k that year (at that time, the most money the CLE walk had ever made, although Julie and her dedicated team would best that the following year).
After the walk ended, I took a trip to visit my friend. She had recently had her second miscarriage and was feeling discouraged and sad.
Would she ever have a family?
Would she be able to share her love with a child one day?
I told her that I had a feeling that the next time she tried, it would work. In hindsight, I should not have said that because I can't guarantee anything and it takes people years sometimes to build a family, but I just had a feeling.
I went back to Cleveland and 2 months later, I passed my personal training exam. I had been teaching group fitness and continued to do so. I also brought on my first client and saw her on the weekends.
In April 2017, I quit my corporate marketing job. It was scary and there are still days I regret not having a steady income. I know I am incredibly privileged that my husband can provide while I continue to do the work I feel called to do and build this business that I refuse to give up on, despite the economy and the trying times of C-19.
As for my friend, as I said above, a month after I quit my job, I was at her baby shower as she was 6 months pregnant. When I met her son in 2019, I teared up because I knew her heart was whole. Four years later at almost 40, she would have her second son. Last week, I saw on Facebook she had taken them on vacation and they were having a blast.
I tell you this in a month that celebrates mothers and also brings light to general and maternal mental health. I don't think that is a coincidence.
We don't speak enough about mental health and the lack of access.
We don't speak enough about mothers/birthing folks and the lack of care and empathy from our healthcare and corporate systems.
We don't speak enough about mothers/birthing folks who live with a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder and are not typically screened early enough in postpartum or at all by their doctor (because not all doctors are trained in perinatal mental health or are trauma-informed).
I don't think it's an accident that I have had clients who fall into one or more categories of the above. Among other life experiences, I believe my time with AFSP and supporting my friend through fertility struggles was setting me up to do this work.
I don't think it was an accident that in late 2017, Girls Gone Strong landed in my lap with an offer for certification in pre/postnatal coaching because 85% of cis-gendered women I coach will have children.
I don't think it was an accident that my business coach in 2019 had previously been a certified doula and connected me to some amazing birth workers whom I have learned so much from and who have invited me to sit with parents in their support groups and hear their stories. I have learned from these parents' experiences as well.
I had a family member say to me recently "I find it interesting that you like working with pregnant and postpartum people" to which I responded, "Well, it's so much more than that."
I had to leave my corporate job because I know I was meant to support and guide people. To make them feel like they're not alone and what they feel and how they feel it is valid.
Because that is all I ever wanted for my brother, the deceased loved ones of those families, the folks living with a mental health diagnosis, and the survivors I held space for at that walk in 2016.
When I sit with parents at birth support groups and hear their stories, I can't help but get emotional if they're sharing something that's upsetting because I know they felt alone and scared for a time, even if they have an amazing partner and support system.
At the same time, I love hearing the stories of triumph, bodily autonomy, and empowerment because when one mother/birthing person is seen and heard, it's a win for everyone. The more stories like this we can champion and advocate for, the better outcome it is for everyone in society.
Of course, it is possible someone can have a positive birth experience and receive a mental health diagnosis afterward and we can also work towards less obstetric violence/trauma & more powerful and humanizing experiences because I know it is possible.
As I heard on a recent podcast about pelvic health, "We weren't meant to do this alone without a village."
I know this was a bit of a read, but I hope it gave you some context around why this work means so much to me and where it comes from in my life experience.
Have a good rest of your week. 💗
P.S. My amazing friend and therapist Rachel Faber-Bowers spoke on this topic last night at the International Cesarean Awareness Network meeting. If you need resources for maternal mental health, please visit https://psidirectory.com/
For free information on suicide loss, please visit https://afsp.org/